6.23.2016

ROADLOG: VAN RULES



ROADLOG: VAN RULES

1. Pick up your personal trash. Unless your momma’s coming to clean up after you, don't wait for somebody else to pick it up. 

2. If you are riding shotgun, you are also the navigator, so stay alert help the driver out. Excuses about “your data plan” will go unheeded. 
 
3. Help out with the LOAD-IN & LOAD OUT. Don’t stand around. Those two soft flappy things on the ends of your arms...those are called your hands - same things you use to play tic-tac games on your cellphone. Yep. You can use them to lift shit. We use the "Point-Man System" where one person pulls gear out of the van and sets it on the ground for other band members lug into the club. We rotate point at every show. We like it. It works and you don't get dudes all bottle necked up at the back of the van grabbing at the same stick bag, pretending they're doing something. You want to impress everybody? Grab that Ampeg SVT cab and deadlift it up the stairs at Rudyards (Houston). 

4. Keep your personal belongings near you and out of the way of the neutral space in the van (shoes, dirty clothes, fast food trash, laptops, your grandma's ashes). Your stuff WILL get stepped on and broken, because we are animals and we accidentally break a lot of shit.
 
5. No TEXTING WHILE DRIVING. Drivers are responsible for the lives of everyone in the van. No one will be able to relax if you are texting and driving sketchy. 
 
6. GOING ROGUE. If you “go rogue” after a show (meaning break from the wolfpack to party or whatever) and wake in a strange, unknown apt, house, or park bench the next day, simply text us your location and we'll scoop you up. 
 
7. On US tours, lodging is generally NOT provided by the venue or promoter, so please stop asking, “Where are we staying?” We’ll figure it out after the show. Note: It will probably not be the Hilton. 

8. PAY ATTENTION. Try to be proactive in helping the tour go smoothly. Listen to what is being said, and check itineraries. If you see someone tired or busting ass, try to help them out. 

9. FOOD/GROCERIES. Either chip in at the grocery store or buy your own food. The ice chest has limited in space. Try to get food and think of everything you need while at the store. This limits the stops for food and conserves gas. 

10. ATTITUDE. If you give it out in big portions, you must be able to take it in equal measure. We all like to razz each other, but if you get in an argument with a band mate, it is best to squash it within 24 hr so as not to slow boil resentments. If you are having a serious personal problem, talk to one of the guys alone and explain the situation. We’ll figure out. 

11. CRISIS MODE. In the event of a crisis or accident, don't freak out and/or add confusion by being a goon. Remain calm and assist in solving the problem in a communal manner. This does not mean yelling at the other dudes or doing a lot whining, this means being a team player and adding to a positive resolution. 

12. VAN CAMPING. To save money on OFF-DAYS and experience the glorious splendors of nature when no lodging is available, we like to go off grid and “van camp,” hitting swimming holes and state parks to blow off steam. Although it may seem a little ragged and rough, it turns out that Van Camping is actually the funnest part of touring. So enjoy it. Hug a tree, meditate, cook a hotdog, or something. How many more coffee/wifi shops, hipster clothing stores, and urban shithholes do you need to see? Answer: none. Solution: Yes, van camp!

13. PISS BOTTLES. Buy a large Gatorade, down it, and use it as a piss bottle. It lessens the amount of stops we have to make and conserves gas. And write your name on that thing. Although musicians are extremely comfortable pissing and shitting on themselves, they are abnormally scared of other people’s piss. If you feel an emergency shit coming on, alert the other guys by using the failsafe codeword: “I'M GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS,” and we’ll detour to the nearest shithole. 

14. There are no rules. Yeah, we know: it's all anarchy and rock & roll and shit. But living a lifestyle of no rules dramatically increases one's chance of being an certified asshole/douche/intolerable human and having "no friends."

No comments: